You shouldn't use my name.

The science of my heart.

            Someone told me that I live my life with my heart. This came as quite a shock to me because I have always believed that I was rational, and level headed. This person told me that I shouldn’t fret because this was the best and most fulfilling way to live. I would have ultimately loved my whole life and been loved in return. Great right?

            But as with every lifestyle there are some dire consequences. There are those times of great disappointments and heartbreak. But I am not supposed to stop loving after my heart aches. I am supposed to go on and remain loving and open to receive love. This is one of the hardest things, but I do it. I go on loving.

            Some of you may wonder why? To me it is simple. I put my faith in people.  I know this is a dangerous game. People will constantly disappoint me and are sometime bad natured. I want to find the good in everyone though. I don’t want to change anyone, but I truly believe there is good in almost every person. I think people do bad things, all the time, don’t get me wrong, but I also think people can be wonderful and the most inspiring.

            I feel like for the last year and a half I haven’t been living with my heart at all. Or I have put so many defenses and barriers up that keep people from getting toward my heart. My heart is big you know, it loves fiercely, and for long spans of time.  But I was hurt severely in the past . By so many things men, friends, my job, etc.  I put up a wall. I wanted nothing in or out. But it got so so so lonely. I would often think to my time in middle school when I was very depressed. I would have to find solace in my family and church. I started to think again about bible verses that I would read to find comfort:

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

I still find strength in these even though I believe my faith has fallen a bit. But against all odds I slowly began to open my heart. I laughed longer and smiled more. I felt so good to be positive.

I am in love. It is the single greatest and most terrifying thing to ever happen to me. I love this man despite what others say, I love him despite disappointment, I love him I just do. He has made me want to find my faith again and he has made me think about things in new ways. I am constantly learning from him and he constantly inspires me.

It is different than the past. I don’t rely on him for my own self-esteem. I am proud of who I am. I don’t need him to reassure me that I am pretty, or smart. I believe in myself. He is there for support, but I don’t rely on him for all my happiness.

Things aren’t always perfect. Things wont always be perfect. I will cry. I will hurt. But ultimately I will have loved and it will be worth it.